- Humour-English

Signs: Addicted to the INTERNET (in the 90s)

Sat, 17 May 2008 20:45:45 +0000

Signs that you are Addicted to the INTERNET! ! ! !

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!"(FOR DIAL UP'S)
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. Tech support calls YOU for help.
4. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
5. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
6. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
7. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
8. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
9. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!

Smart Pope Joke

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 08:56:17 +0000

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with
the Pope at the Vatican.

The Nescafe official whispers, 'Your
Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer
for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you
change the Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope is angry and shouts, "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe
man
somewhat taken aback, "We anticipated this. For this reason,
and
the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase

Hilarious Martimonials by Professionals

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 09:03:58 +0000

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.One
of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a
wife.

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my
current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.
Compatibility could be an issue.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must
be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be

Godfather's Lawyer

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 09:49:04 +0000

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
Room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
You embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
Embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
Understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
Attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
Million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

Smart Father

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 15:07:47 +0000

A young boy had just gotten his drivers permit and inquired of his
Father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll
Make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
Little, get your hair cut and we*ll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for the
Offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,
"Son, I*ve been real proud. You*ve brought your grades up, and I*ve
Observed that you
Have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible

Gates and Jobs Gamble

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 18:36:01 +0000

The income tax officer decides to audit businessman Gates, and summons him to the income tax office.

The officer is not surprised when Gates shows up with his attorney, Jobs..

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you won money gambling. I'm not sure the income tax finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Gates. "How about a demonstration? "
The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Gates says, "I'll bet you ten thousand Dollars that I can bite my own eye."

Men and Women

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:24:15 +0000

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their
Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

Marriage One Liners

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:35:18 +0000

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Wife Joke: Motherly treatment

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 03:11:39 +0000

When wife treats you like your mother ...

He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe
Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped him tight...
Like his mother used to !!!!!

God Jokes

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 02:53:32 +0000

A man was praying to god.

He said, "God ?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......just a second ." ... God Jokes !

Pet Joke: The Government Cat

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 06:31:15 +0000

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He

Hotel Humor

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 02:28:51 +0000

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Indian Team Cricket Joke

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 22:10:11 +0000

India in South Africa
After losing to SA 4-0 here are some jokes

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Indian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Indian touring party?
A. The guy who removes the ball marks from the bats.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease among the Indian touring party?
A. The lady who irons the Indian team uniforms.

Q. What is the main function of the Greg Chappell?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground and back.

Q. Why don't Indian fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Young and Old man

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 21:51:51 +0000

On a train stop....

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose,if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
Definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.

Murphy goes to church

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 01:09:31 +0000

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I

also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."